SURVIVOR GUILT IS REAL
Let’s face it! Harvey was a monster that wreaked havoc on Southeastern Texas. If you live in the impact zones and have been able to walk away with your family and possessions at least mostly unscathed by the loss and destruction associated with the storm…
CONGRATULATIONS–YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!
As a survivor of such a tragic and traumatic event, there is a good chance you may wrestle with survivor guilt.
Tweet ThisSURVIVAL GUILT, in its most basic definition, is a sense of guilt over the fact that you are okay when so many others aren’t. It can lead to unwarranted stress, despair, and even depression.
I want you to know that it is okay!
WHAT’S OKAY?
ITS OKAY TO BE UPSET OVER WHAT YOU LOST
One of my air conditioner units went out during the storm. I am completely BUMMED about what this loss means to me and my family-yet part of me feels guilty when I compare it to the magnitude of the loss around me. My loss is personal and I grieve it–and THAT’S OKAY!
Life is not a game of “whomever has the biggest loss is the only one allowed to be upset”. Don’t let survivor guilt tell you that you shouldn’t grieve your loss! Out of respect, you might not want to complain about the inconvenience too much around someone who had to place their whole house on the curb, but its OKAY to grieve your own losses no matter how small they are in comparison to the loss others have experienced!
ITS OKAY TO WANT TO ‘GET BACK TO NORMAL’
Yesterday I scheduled my daughters driving test for her to get her license. This is a rite of passage and a normal activity that prior to the devastation of the storm would have brought nothing but immense joy (and maybe a little trepidation) to my heart and mind. Sadly, my joy was mixed with guilt.
I didn’t share it on social media because I was afraid this very normal and joyous part of my family’s life might be bitter to those who were dealing with such trauma and loss.
Just like its okay for me to get things back to normal, it is also okay for me to be cautious about what I share on social media. I chose not to post it for the world to see out of respect for the losses around me, not out of guilt becuase there was something good happening in our lives–there is a difference!
The people of our community are still wounded and traumatized. Slowly stores are attempting to keep normal hours and grocery shelves aren’t as bare. School starts back on Tuesday. Slowly a normal routine is creeping back in. This is a good thing because a level of healing comes with normalcy and routine! It will even be good for those who are working to find ‘new normal’ as they piece their lives back together.
ITS OKAY TO TURN OF THE MEDIA COVERAGE
We spent days glued to the television and social media so we would know if we were going to be safe or not. In the midst of it, we saw much tragedy that was traumatizing. We no longer have to have that trauma ‘in our face’. Turn off the news and enjoy the sunshine! Those who have lost much have to have it in their face the whole time, but if your loss wasn’t HUGE, then it’s okay to walk away and decompress! Go back to it when you need to but the eminent need and danger is over.
ITS OKAY TO HELP–ITS OKAY TO NOT HELP
When tragedies happen, many people will allow survivor guilt to push them in to helping. Others experience survivor guilt in a way that causes them to isolate and avoid anything to do with those who have lost so much. Anything motivated by guilt probably isn’t good. Its okay to help or not help–just make sure your aren’t doing either one as a penance for guilt.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS: ITS OKAY TO BE OKAY
Yep–you heard (or read) me right! Its okay to be okay. Furthermore, its okay to be happy that you are okay! The fact that the winds and waters spared you, your loved ones, and your belongings is an amazing blessing–treasure it! Even though you may have prayed for God to shift the winds and rain to spare your home, you weren’t asking for those same winds and rains to pummel your friends’ and neighbors’ homes. The protection of your home was NOT at the expense of your someone else’s. Don’t allow survivor guilt to steal your blessing!
So good, Tammy. And that’s why I pulled out all my Homecoming stuff. There is a measure if guilt, but there is also the purpose to make sure Abby has a sweet Hoco memory.
Dianne, Thank you for the kind words. I enjoyed “sweating glitter” with you.
Tammy, Thank you for your words! From someone whose home was completely destroyed for the second time in 16 months- Thank you!! I appreciate the truth of what you have written. Those that have lost, need others to be okay, being okay! We feel so blessed to have friends, neighbors and family that are okay! I’m writing this with tears as I write, overwhelmed by the compassion, kindness and lets be honest, even the sweat of those who are okay and have stepped in to help us try to be okay or at least move in that direction. I love you friend!
Laura, My heart breaks for the loss… A SECOND TIME! I know God is sovereign and that He has you. I’m honored to be your friend! I so wish the distance didn’t seem so great so we could spend more time together.
Good thoughts. My loved ones in the Houston area came close to having to evacuate, but in the end were able to stay home. One had water in her garage but not the rest of the house, and was without power for a few days, but has it back now. So thankful for God’s care of them.
Barbara, I’m so glad your loved ones were spared. It is so heartbreaking the level of loss. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
Powerful and grace giving truth! Continued Prayers!
Thank you!
THIS: Life is not a game of “whomever has the biggest loss is the only one allowed to be upset”.
Thanks Susan. We spend much time dismissing authentic reactions because it doesn’t fit into a specific category of comparison. We have the right (and the need) to grieve our losses.
I am looking for anything I can read to understand what I’m feeling. 34 of us were in Dominica when hurricane Maria hit. They lost everything, homes, industry, hospital, transport, they have their life, but not much else. Breaks my heart more than I know what to do. I’m thinking doing good for anyone will help
Oh Keri! My heart hurts for what you and your friends have been through. Each of your paths will carry their own level of difficulties.You may also have a bit of PTSD–but diagnostics are not my area of expertise. Are you safe now? You mentioned your friends losing everything except their lives–how did your home and family fare?
Helping others start trying to rebuild will be beneficial for you as well as them. There are so many things you can do from praying, meal deliver, laundry washing, or just being present as they grieve–grieving with them! Show love and compassion and the Lord will lead you to what your next steps are to be.
If you need further assistance, I am a certified life coach who specializes in grief and loss.I can meet with you virtually if you think that may help. If you’d like more information, please let me know.