Today I am disappointed to the point of deep heart sadness. I honestly could cry, and I very well might crawl in the shower once I post this and bawl like a baby.
I have attempted two “family” times in the past 15 hours and neither of them worked out. My husband knew I had planned a nice meal and even rented a movie from Redbox so we could have a nice family evening. He received a phone call from a relative who lives out of state and stayed on the phone for two hours, essentially ignoring my planned special family time. I finally told the girls to eat and we began the movie without him.
This morning I got up early and made homemade waffles for my crew. I started waking them up in time for us to share a sweet breakfast together, only to have grumpy tired teens not want to cooperate with a peaceful family moment. Sure, everyone ate but it was a hurried-shove it in your face- experience that didn’t give me the quality family time I am longing for.
What is going on with me? Why is this family time so important? I will be having a pretty significant surgery Monday…and the monster of “What If” is tearing at my peace. What if I don’t make it through surgery? What if they make a mistake and damage nerves leaving me unable to serve my family? What if there are complications and I never have an opportunity to have this desired family time again. What if my surgery Monday steals these special opportunities from my children’s future. What if this rushed and hurried morning is the last time I am capable of making them homemade waffles? (okay, I’m crying already)
When it comes to the “What if’s” of post surgery I am acutely aware of the many things I have no control of. As a result, I find myself grasping at any opportunity to give myself a sense of control over things I think I can control (like special family times)…only to find out that I have no control over those things either.
The other emotion that is there, threatening to swallow me is fear. I’d love to tell you I have absolute certainty and faith that everything is going to be fine when I wake up from surgery Monday afternoon. Unfortunately life has taught me that things don’t always go “fine”. What if, in my attempt to become pain free, I sentence myself to a life more painful than the one I am experiencing now. Yes, I hurt…I hurt bad. But I can still make a special dinner or breakfast whether my family cooperates or not. (crying again)
The more I focus on the multitude of “What Ifs” the less I seem to trust God. Once I stop my crazy “What If” Dance, I am free to notice how BIG God is!
So today I choose to anchor to Psalm 91 and allow God to become BIGGER than my “What ifs”
“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High wThis I declare about the : He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; For he will rescue you from every trap He will cover you with his feathers. o not be afraid of the terrors of the night, Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nThough a thousand fall at your side, Just open your eyes, If you make the your refuge, no evil will conquer you; For he will order his angels They will hold you up with their hands You will trample upon lions and cobras; The says, “I will rescue those who love me. When they call on me, I will answer;
Dear Lord, Help me cling to you instead of my fears. As I am tempted to fear what lays ahead, help me choose to trust you. As my heart connects more to you, let your presence evict the “What ifs” that want to steal my peace. In Jesus’ name I pray~ Amen.